


Drabbles

by Of_Bunnies_and_Universal_Domination



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Cross-Posted work, Denial of Feelings, F/M, First Crush, M/M, Old work but not nearly as old as some of my other stuff, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Short Chapters, Turtlecest, Unrequited Crush, but nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-28 08:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6321712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Of_Bunnies_and_Universal_Domination/pseuds/Of_Bunnies_and_Universal_Domination
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles in which Raphael's (nonexistent) love life is loosely based on a teenage girl's and it sucks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Right After the Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It really sinks in to Raphael how badly he messed up.

_I can’t. I can’t do this. I just can’t!_  
  
**Breathe Raph. Deep, slow breaths.**  
  
_Damn it! I’m trying! Oh god, I can barely breathe!_  
  
**It’s going to be okay. Just breathe.**  
  
_No, it’s not! How could I do that to him?!_  
  
**Block everything out and breathe.**  
  
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying my best to keep myself together and focus on my breathing. It isn't working and my wheezing is only getting louder with every second. My nails are digging deep into my arms and I feel the need to rip my skin off bit by bit. I don’t do it, but the idea isn't losing its appeal. I need to think about something else –Anything! – but my brain just keeps going in circles. A name pops into my head and I struggle to hold onto him:  
  
_Leo._  
  
Big brother.  
  
Fearless Leader.  
  
Pain in my shell.  
  
My first kiss... **Goddamn it.**  
  
It wasn't anything special; we only did it for a stupid dare.  Nothing came from it either: there were no sudden crushes, and there sure weren't any declarations of love (Leo actually turned out to be as straight as an arrow). Shell, I remember the both of us gagging afterwards while Mikey and Donnie laughed. What did you expect? We were only eight when it happened! Again, it was nothing special and it didn't change anything.

Now why couldn't kisses _stay_ simple and unimportant?  
  
Damn it, I can’t stop shaking.  
  
**Breathe…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say except this chapter is the most personal to me.


	2. Looking Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael remembering his first crush.

When I was seven, I would sneak out of the Lair all the time to go exploring on my own. (Obviously because Leo and me would've ended up fighting, Mikey was worse at keeping quiet than I was, and Donnie would've only wanted to go to the dump.) It was a freakin' hot summer that year and I was peeking out of a storm drain hoping to catch a breeze when I saw her: She had to be at least a couple years older than me, with the biggest smile on her face, and a pink bow in her brown hair. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She looked amazing and unreal.  
  
Just like that, I had a crush on the first human girl I saw. Before her, the only girls I’d seen were the ones in the old picture books Master Splinter read to us and those were usually drawings, not photos.  
  
I kept going back to that storm drain, even if it was farther away from my usual spots. She wasn’t always there and those days sucked, but somehow it made the times when she was better. Sometimes she was playing with her friends or walking her small dog with her dad. Those times were nice, but my favorites were when she was drawing on her stoop. She couldn’t do it often, ‘cause people kept coming in or out of her building, but she looked so happy when she could. She always worked so hard on her drawings too. I never really saw them, but I could tell from the look on her face. I always felt bad when her mom washed them away, and it didn’t help that the water ended up going my way every time she did.

The last time I saw her was six months after I met her. I just came back to the storm drain for the first time in about a week when I saw the moving truck parked in front of her building. It was full of boxes and her dad was just closing the back when she came out of the building for the last time. She was holding her dog and wearing that big smile I loved seeing. She was so excited to leave.  
  
I didn’t exactly feel the same.  
  
She then climbed into the truck with her parents and drove away. She didn't look back.  
  
I didn’t know how to feel after that. It hurt, but I didn’t want to cry or anything. I just turned around and went back home. I never went back to that storm drain and I never told my family about her.  
  
No. I don’t think about her much, but I won’t forget her.  
  
Her name?  
  
It was Mona.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter had nothing to do with the previous chapter (I'll get back to it eventually), but it is about a part of Raph's love life so here it is.


	3. Mikey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph thinks a little about Mikey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before chapter 1, but we'll get there eventually. Probably in chapter 5 or 6.

Mikey. Just... Mikey. Besides being a pain in my shell, what else can I say about him? He's a goofball who I swear gets a thrill out of bugging me, but he’s always been there. Growing up, whenever Donnie was getting his geek on or Leo was too busy meditating, he was the one who’d stick around me. Even when I'm whaling on my punching bag and not doin’ much talking, there he is with some comic. It's kinda nice having him around then, especially since he isn’t trying to piss me off.

Okay, I like having him around even when he’s pissing me off too.  A guy can enjoy having his little brother around, you know. There's nothing wrong with that!

Though, sometimes when he’s topside and I’m still in the lair, I notice that he’s gone. I mean, I _really_ notice it. It's like something serious is missing when he's not around. I freakin' hate it when that happens! I mean, I can ignore it when I’m with Leo or Donnie or Master Splinter, but when I'm alone it's obvious. I guess… I kinda miss him.

That’s normal though. I spend most of my free time with Mikey, ‘course I’m gonna miss the dork. Then I start getting annoyed when I think about him having fun out there with his friends while I’m down here. That’s… That’s not –

You know what? That’s just me feeling left out and being an ass about it.

…

Sometimes I think I like Mikey. More than I probably should.

Fuck.


	4. A Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael remembers a question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place a few years after after chapter 3.

When you live with four other guys, it’s pretty hard to do anything you want without someone complaining. That night a few months ago was one of the rare times most of our family was out; Donnie was hanging out with April at her place, while Leo and Master Splinter were visiting the Ancient One for a couple days. It was the perfect time for me and Mikey to have a B-movie marathon without anyone nitpicking about scientific accuracy. (I love Donnie, but that gets old real quick.)  
  
We were three hours in and laughing at how sappy the main couple in a giant monster movie was with each other, when Mikey suddenly got real quiet. (I'd never tell him out loud, but I always get worried whenever he gets this way. Especially when we're supposed to be having fun.) Without looking away from the screen, he asked, “Hey Raph, do… Do you like Donnie?”  
  
It took me off guard, but I told him, “Of course I do!”  It would suck to have him for a big brother if I didn’t. “Come on, Mikey, why would you even ask me that?”  
  
Mikey shook his head and said, “No. Do you _like_ him, like _them._ ” He waved at the TV to the couple kissing onscreen.    
  
Looking back, I'm surprised my jaw didn't drop when he told me what he meant. I never thought any of my brothers would ask me about _that_ , ever. It took me a minute to answer him slowly, “No. I don’t like Donnie that way.”  
  
It was the truth. I didn’t feel that way about any of our brothers, at least not since my stupid crush on Mikey a couple of years ago and I got over that. It took me a year, but I moved on. Still, Mikey’s sigh of relief made me a little uneasy for the rest of the marathon. 


	5. Another Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey asks another question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place not too long before chapter 1.

I really hate Valentine’s Day. Sometimes I wish Donnie never rigged up our first TV back when we were twelve, just so we could've avoided the dumb holiday for a few more years. It’s another stupid reminder that my family will never be normal. We're never going to give or get valentines, we're never going to know what romantic love feels like, and worst of all-

“Hey Raphie!”

I groan. I’m really not in the mood to be around Mikey today. “What do you want?”

“Nothin’.”  Well then, get the shell out of here and leave – “Just wanted to know why you’re moping and watching Lifetime.” Damn it.

“I’m not moping, Mikey. Just annoyed that there’s nothing else on.” I'm not even lying. There really _isn't_ anything good on that's not about Valentine's Day.

Mikey didn’t look like he believes me. Whatever, I don't care. I just want him to leave me and my damn "romantic" TV movie in peace.

 “Do you want that, Raph?” Mikey's looking at the screen, and the main couple is actually being sweet to each other for once.

I’m tempted to make a joke about how dysfunctional they really are, but I could tell Mikey wanted a real answer. Okay, fine. So I think about it for a few seconds before saying, “Sometimes, yeah I do. I mean, I know it’s never going to happen. Still, uh, I still want to know what it’d be like. To have someone, even for a little while.”

“Thanks for telling me.” Mikey grins at me, before leaving for his room. “And who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone who likes your ugly mug!”

I immediately grab the remote and throw it at the knucklehead. Unfortunately, I miss his head and end up hitting Master Splinter’s new vase instead.

God fucking damn it.


	6. How the Night Began

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph thinks about how the night began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place the same night as chapter 1. Sorry about the super late and short update. I promise not to take so long with the next chapter.

The night started out normal enough. Me, Mikey, and Donnie snuck over to April’s shop to help her move stuff around to make room for her new merchandise. Mikey and April were in the front, moving the stuff that was sold on the store’s site that week. Donnie and me were in the backroom, unpacking her new stuff. We spent an hour making up stories about some of the antiques, with April coming in every twenty minutes to grab more shipping boxes. Too soon though, we ran out of things to make fun of and the room got quiet. Then Donnie leaned in closer to my face and –  _straight out of nowhere_ – he kissed me!

What the fuck?!

I was caught off guard and froze. Luckily, before it got awkward, the surprise wore off quick and I started to like the feeling. I didn’t know what came over Donnie, but I thought I wasn’t going to get another chance to do this so I got into it. I kissed him back for a little while and even left little kisses all over his cheeks and neck. It was my first time making out with someone, I guess I wanted it to be sweet. It felt like it was over too soon when he pulled away and ended it.

I wasn’t sure what to say and Donnie wasn't talking either. What the fuck did this mean? Does he want to start a relationship? Does he just want someone to get physical with?

Before either of us could say anything about what happened, Mikey entered the room with some of the packed merchandise. We don’t mention it at all during the rest of our visit.

We left the shop a few hours later after finishing the pizza April bought us as a thank you. Despite the confusing feelings earlier, I was in a pretty good mood on the way back. We did stop when we spotted some people having illegal street races and quickly decided to stay and watch a few. I was really getting into the race going on, and so was Mikey really, that I almost didn’t notice Donnie leaning in again to give me another kiss. I shouldn’t have, but I met him halfway. We didn’t kiss as long as the first time. I was disappointed, but I didn’t say anything since Mikey was there (Though I was sure he didn't even notice what we were doing). Maybe Donnie knew Mikey wasn’t comfortable with the idea of any of us being together like that.

I didn’t want to think about any of that, so I forced myself to pay attention to races. I managed not to think about anything except the group below us for a while until I noticed Mikey nudging Donnie’s side.

“Hey Don,” Mikey quietly and nervously started off. “I was thinking, since we’re always together, maybe we can finally put a label on what we have…?”

Donnie was smiling widely at him. “Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”

“Yeah, do you want to officially,” Mikey took a breath before finishing in a rush, “bemyboyfriend?”

“Mikey…” Donnie’s eyes somehow got warmer. “Of course, I love you.”

The happy new couple started hugging in front of me. I was happy for them, really, but then my mind started zeroing in on the fact that Donnie made out with me twice tonight.

I’m so fucking **stupid** …


	7. Stupid Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more of Raph's thoughts after learning Mikey and Donnie are a thing.

Oh fuck me, I never thought I could ever be in a situation like this! I kissed Donnie without even thinking about Mikey and his feelings. I never even knew he had feelings for Donnie.

Shit… I’m the other woman here. A goddamn homewrecker. Just like in Master Splinter’s stupid soaps!

It’s kinda funny, in a really sad and pathetic way.

I’m so stupid. Stupid. Stupid! **STUPID!** How didn’t I ever notice _this?!_ Mikey and I are close; I should’ve seen it coming!

Now I’m remembering how our friends have all mentioned at least once how they noticed how close Donnie and Mikey were. Those times April _and_ Casey asked me if there was something there. I always said no, because I always thought Mikey could never feel that way towards one of us. Fucking hell! I was so oblivious! Some fucking ninja I am that I didn’t even notice my brothers basically hooking up right in front of me!

My eyes are stinging. Why is that part bothering me? I was happy for them just a few minutes ago! My chest is hurting so bad and just like that, I know what’s wrong: I still love Mikey.

No. Just no. Not now! It's the worst timing! Fuck me, _why?!_ I thought I was over him!

I guess not. I’ve just been repressing my feelings for years, apparently. I'm so pathetic. 

“Raph?”

I love him and I made out with his boyfriend. What is _wrong_ with me?

 “You’re a little quiet, Raph…”

I don’t want to be here.

I want to bury myself deep in a hole and never come out.

“Raphie, please, can you look at me?”

No. I can’t. I won’t.

Fuck, my eyes are getting blurry.

I’m gonna start crying, and I can’t stop it.

 “Raphie, please!”

I’m running and I can’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we've caught up to chapter one.


End file.
